So, Sliveright THREE is in beta now, and it’s set to take over the entire web! If your site isn’t made in Silverlight, guess what? IT SUCKS. IT COMPLETLEY FAILS AS A WEBSITE. PERIOD.

This site? SUCKS.

Amazon.com? SUCKS.

eBay? SUCKS.

Google? SUCKS

“You’re obviously right, Rob. But I can’t put my finger on why you’re so right! Please tell me!”

Okay, I’ll tell you. But you keep your filthy fingers away from me. You sound poor, and I don’t like it when poor people touch me.

 

Gradients

You can make gradients with it. HOT. SHIT. You might have THOUGHT you could make gradients before, but guess what? YOU DIDN’T. NOW you can finally make them.

I know, you really did think you were making gradients with Photoshop or Paint.NET or something, and using them on your site, but you didn’t. You just made colors. They were garish and horrible.

And you certainly didn’t make a single grayscale transparent gradient, then use CSS to set that as the background image with a background color so you could have multiple gradients from image. Nope, you’ve never done that.

See, all those would be way too much work and time investment. Why open up image software, and make a gradient in 3 or 4 clicks? Now you can open up Blend, and make a REAL GRADIENT WITH XAML in 3 or 4 clicks!

So, now you can finally create gradients. You’re on your way to being a real developer. Right now there is only one real developer in the world, me, because I’m the only one who’s used gradients in Silverlight.

But why are they good? Because the world is nothing but ONE BIG GRADIENT. Next time you’re in the bathroom, and you feel your insides explode and issue forth an eruption of epic proportions, take a look at what you see – it’s JUST like a gradient. It’s not one solid color. It’s a rainbow, softly blending from one color to the next. Just like Silverlight!

 

Animations

You can FINALLY animate stuff! I know, once again, you THOUGHT you animated stuff before.

BUT.

YOU.

DIDN’T.

“Pretty sure I use jQuery to easily animate some stuff.”

Listen, I don’t know what jQuery is, so it doesn’t exist. Got it? It was never possible to animate UI before.

“Well, pretty sure I used Flash to animate a site like a decade ago.”

Will you quit making shit up? I’ve never used Flash either, so I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist either.

Finally, with Silverlight, using Blend, you can make animations! It uses this great thing that the Silverlight team invented, called a storyboard, which consists of timelines, that have keyframes! It’s pretty simple!

 

Hover effects

This is a bit of a combination of Gradients and Animations (capitalized because they’re so important)! Now, when a user hovers over important things, like menu items, you can give a subtle gradient to pop into place to let the user know they’re over something sensitive!

“That’s been possible with CSS for yea—“

SHUT UP!

“I could do it with javascript even longer than t—“

WHAT PART OF SHUT UP ARE YOU MISSING?! YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A HOVER EFFECT FOR A WEBSITE BEFORE SILVERLIGHT!!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!

 

It’s one huge ass object

Well, I know FOR A FACT this one is new! Silverlight is now one single element on the page! This is super great, and really where Silverlight shines.

This really makes it, finally, the perfect solution for public sites. I mean, who needs that “web” crap. Now, it’s one solid object. You no longer have to worry about your public site being pilfered by nasty search spiders. I don’t even know what those are, but they’re called spiders, so I assume they have eight legs and crawl all over you. I have enough night terrors about them as it is.

Plus, people now can’t link to somewhere deep in your site. I hate it when people link to direct portions of my site, and skip all my advertisements or cool pictures of myself or something. Now, they have to see all that EVERY TIME. Hell yes.

Also, you can’t copy & paste my text now, jerks! You’re just going to have to paraphrase it. I’ll get you started:

“Then Rob was awesome”.

Done.

“Uh, I made sites entirely in Flash a decade ago, and it was a horrible idea, and that’s why only marketing sites do it now, You see—“

I’M GOING TO SHOTGUN YOU IN THE FACE. I’M BUSY TALKING ABOUT HOW BRILLANT SILVERLIGHT IS, AND HOW EVERYTHING IT DOES IS COMPLETLEY NEW AND BETTER THAN ANYTHING THAT EXISTED FOR THE WEB BEFORE, EVEN THOUGH I’M PURPOSEFULLY IGNORANT OF ANY AND ALL WEB TECHNOLOGY!!!

 

The Bad Stuff

Well, the main bad stuff is that all these non-Silverlight websites haven’t been converted yet. Hopefully soon browsers will support xaml natively. At least the One True Browser should do it soon.

But there’s really one thing wrong with it:

Case Sensitivity. Seriously. WTF. How freaking retarded is that. I mean, in this day and Age, why is ANYThinG case Sensitive? i can’T think WHY it would Matter at alL. AnD whiLE I’M on tHiS subJecT, I shOUlnD’t hAve to spEll thINGs correCTly eiTheR. it shouLd havE a DictIOnaRy of poSSiBle ValUEs, aND pIck teH nErEst wRd B-Cuz e dUn hAf tIm oR sKil 2 lErn al tHeeS wurDz i meN u nO hw eT s wHN u gTz so Mny wRd tt its impsB fr tO sTp fern rEd F dgeR DqoeR gler!!!!!